Score: West Ham 1 - 5 Chelsea

For West Ham, they started with a plan to do a Crystal Palace and hope to catch us in an error or counter attack. Then they went and committed a cardinal sin, they scored too early. On his full debut, Estevao tried a completely unnecessary flick inside his own half, only to give the ball directly to West Ham. Lucas Paqueta had so much time and space he nearly didn’t know what to do with himself. Eventually he decided to put his foot through the back of the ball from 25 yards. A fierce, knuckling effort that left Robert Sanchez stranded as it bent back over his head. There has been some early conversation about this new Puma ball and how it moves in the air. Given the evidence here, we might be in for a Jabulani season.

Chelsea, shorn of the injured Cole Palmer, were only behind about 10 minutes. A well taken corner to the front post was flicked on by Cucurella, and then headed home by Joao Pedro. West Ham then thought they had regained the lead when Fullkrug slotted home from a lovely cut back. VAR intervened to save the Blues, as Cucurella played the offside trap just in time. From that point on, it was all Chelsea. Pedro Neto made it 2-1 just moments later, then Enzo finished off an excellent move from Delap and Estevao. 

What a player Chelsea have in Willian Estevao. Sure, he gave the ball away for the West Ham goal. If he’s going to torment opposing fullbacks with the sort of end product he showed at the London Stadium, Blues fans will overlook the flicks and tricks that don’t come off (much the same allowance they gave to Eden Hazard during his time in West London). Joao Pedro and Delap apparently can play in a line up together. They were given early shades of Drogba | Anelka partnership.

Score: Manchester City 0 - 2 Spurs

“It’s happened again, it’s happened again…” Could be heard ringing out from the away corner of the Etihad as City trudged off the pitch. It truly has happened again, hasn’t it. Tottenham rocked up to City’s ground and left with the points. Will this be a portend of City’s season, as the 4-0 defeat last season was? Most likely not. City actually looked very good early on and if not for an extremely tight angle and a wonderful Vicario save could have been up 2 nil before Brennan Johnson swept in at the back post. Marmoush’s angle was too tight to squeeze it inside the post, Vicario did stay big and make an excellent block when the same Marmoush was through on goal, and Richarlison was onside before crossing for Johnson. Football is often a game of fine margins, but there was no margin wide enough for Trafford to make that pass to Nico Gonzalez. Nico does call for the ball, but Trafford needs to learn that discretion is the better part of valor and play that ball over Nico into Haaland to hold up. 

City still had their chances. However they were too few and far between. Tottenham never really looked overly bothered. In the end it was a well earned, well deserved victory for Spurs. Sending them temporarily to the top of the table.

Score: Bournemouth 1 - 0 Wolves

A battle of two retooled teams, after their best and brightest have moved on to greener pastures during the summer window. Two teams who each shipped 4 goals opening weekend. Two teams who look to be heading in entirely different directions. Bournemouth, if they can get their defense sorted out and no “bigger” club comes sniffing around Iraola, look like a comfortable midtable outfit. Wolves look like they could be in for difficult times ahead. 

I struggle to see who will reliably create opportunities for Wolves. Manager Vitor Pereira has a lot of work to do. The scoreline here was close, but that was as much down to Bournemouth’s profligacy as it was down to Wolve’s play.

Score: Brentford 1 - 0 Villa

I owe Keith Andrews an apology, I wasn’t familiar with his game. Memes aside, Andrews’ team looked well drilled in this game. They stuck to their tasks, defended strongly, and attacked in neat patterns. Exactly what you might expect from a team managed by a “set piece specialist”. The goal was fortuitous in how it came back to Outtara after multiple deflections, but Brentford were unlucky not to have a second. If that’s a foul by Damsgaard, then how is it not a foul on Saliba last week? It’s funny how you couldn’t swing a cat in a comments section last season without some Arsenal fan screaming about how they “just want consistency for all teams” yet they’ve been strangely silent so far about that same “consistency”. Though it should be a foul. It’s the correct call. A player clattering/blocking/impeding the goal keeper making absolutely zero attempt to play the ball is the clearest obstruction you could possibly have. It’s baffling that teams get away with it week after week after week. 

Aston Villa need to get up to speed and quickly. They look like they are still on their summer holidays. There’s not enough effort of application from Emery’s charges. They looked better after McGinn was moved centrally, to his preferred role. Emery needs to work out how to get the best out of the players he has fit and on hand right now. He’s not found the right recipe yet, but I back him to do so. Villa should benefit from the upcoming international break to get their house in order and start moving in the right direction.

Score: Burnley 2 - 0 Sunderland

Week 2 and none of the promoted teams are winless. That really can’t be understated, given how far the gulf in class between the Premier League and Championship has grown in recent seasons. 

Early save from Dubravka in the 4th minute. Talbi then sees the ball just roll the wrong side of the far post after chipping the keeper from a great through ball by new boy Adringa. Sunderland on another day could be up 0-2 inside of 15 minutes and on their way to back to back Premier League victories.

Lyle Foster with Burnley’s first shot in anger puts the ball in the back of the net. After a very quick VAR check, the goal was ruled out for a very soft foul by Foster. Simon Adringa then escapes a red card for stupidly slapping the face of Hannibal. Yellow is probably the right call but on another day Sunderland’s woes could have been compounded and Adringa could have no excuse. 

Moment of class from captain Josh Cullen. Delicately curls the ball into the far corner after a clever flick from Anthony. Cullen takes one touch to settle the ball and the second to put Burnley ahead. Scott Parker will be pleased to see the interchange there.

Cullen then returns the favor. What a wonderful first time pass through the Black Cats defense. Xhaka is never catching Anthony once he’s shown the former Arsenal man a clean pair of heels.

Score: Arsenal 5 - 0 Leeds

Here we are again. Arsenal don’t play great, score from a set piece, then pile on the misery against a vastly inferior team. Then everyone starts jumping up and down about how fantastic Mikel Arteta’s squad is. 

Noni Madueke looks absolutely lost on the left wing. If you thought he liked to slow play down on his favored right side, boy let me tell you what. So programmed within him to cut inside and shoot (usually thousands of feet over the goal), yet so left footed, he’s almost comical to watch. His body and his brain locked in an eternal struggle for what to do next. Through that first half, what he did next was lose the ball. He did improve when Arsenal were already home and dry, to be fair to him. I find Victor Gyokeres so interesting to watch, in the same vein as John McGinn. If you weren’t watching them run inside of a football stadium surrounded by tens of thousands of fans, you would never be able to guess they have Professional Footballer on their CVs. So wooden and mechanical is Gyokeres that he looks like he’s running with weights on his ankles. The funniest part, he is quite rapid! As displayed for his first goal of the game and campaign. Pity penalty aside, Arsenal are going to have to change how they play to get the best out of their star striker. They are going to have to play a lot more like Ruben Amorin’s team than Mikel Arteta’s. Going early, putting balls down the channels because Gyokeres needs space. He needs to be running at the goal with center halves in retreat. If Arteta can set his ego aside and make that adjustment they have a scary player on their hands. In all likelihood he won’t. Gyokeres will score a few goals for sure, but he has the potential to be devastating if used correctly.

Ultimately, how much can you nitpick a team who wins 5-0? A set piece goal, a give away, another set piece goal (shocking goal keeping mind you), a penalty, and a very nice piece of play by a very expensive striker. This was a game of moments. Arsenal played well in the moments and they didn’t do anything silly. A good win, but lets slow the hype train a little. We can’t be engraving the Premier League trophy with their names just yet. And while we are on the subject of hype, Gooners please give a rest on Max Downman. The kid looks good I’ll grant you that. I just ask that you, and I say this with any due respect, shut the hell up and let him play. First it was Nwaneri, then Lewis-Skelly, and now Dowman. This group of fans just has a special way of getting the cart before the horse with these young players. Maybe let him play more than 25 minutes before the Mesut Ozil comparisons come out, yeah.

Score: Palace 1 - 1 Forest

The subtext, the narrative! If only the game lived up to the billing. Palace lost Eze during the week and they looked more like Roy Hodgson’s Eagles than Oliver Glasner’s as a result. This game was a midfield battle of attrition. Each team committing 11 fouls and 3 yellow cards tells the entire story. 

You have to feel for the Eagles supporters. So badly did they want to get one over Forest after the events of the summer. Even if their anger should be more firmly focused at UEFA and their ludicrously convoluted and sparsely enforced multi-club ownership rules. 

The game, for all its pregame bluster, was a damp squib. Really not much else to say. Two middle of the road squads playing a middle of the road game.

Score: Everton 2 - 0 Brighton

Last player to score at Goodison becomes the first player to score at Hill Dickenson. You have to applaud the symmetry there. Take a bow, Iliman Ndiaye.

Brighton came out of the gates looking intent on being spoil sports. However they couldn’t make their early dominance count where it matters most–the score board. 

Everton put in a David Moyes performance. Yeoman like, as you’d expect from a Moyes’ Everton. They had just enough flair and nous with Grealish and Ndiaye in the line up. A wonderful strike from Garner and that’s all three points wrapped up.

Fabian Hurzeler will be wondering how he can get his team scoring. They were firing them in for fun during the preseason and the German must have been fighting off visions of European football next term. But preseason is preseason. Brighton need to locate their shooting boots and fast.

Score: Fulham 1 - 1 Manchester United

Is there a more picturesque home than Fulham’s Craven Cottage? The friendly confines, nestled on the River Thames is always a treat to see. They simply don’t make them like this anymore. 

The football on display was nearly as enjoyable. Two midtable level teams, going out and actually looking to win a game of football. In the modern day of low blocks, flat back fives, and parked buses it’s lovely to see. 

They VAR decided to grace us with a bit of their own hilarity. Where’s the line between “both players holding” and “foul”? Nobody seems to know, certainly not those under the purview of PGMOL. Week in week out you see the same pushing, pulling, holding in the box with no call. Literally watch William Saliba defend any spot kick in his own box and you’ll ask yourself where the consistency in application is. There has long been a perceived “Big Club” bias when it comes to referring generally and VAR more specifically and this game will have done nothing to convince Fulham fans that it doesn’t exist. Add to the penalty Lenny Yoro’s two handed push in the back of Bassey to give himself an uncontested header from which he scores United’s goal. I’m sure Enzo Fernandez was watching that and wondering how exactly that goal was allowed to stand.

Fulham stayed in the game, and were able to find an equalizer through Smith-Rowe late on. You could argue that Fulham deserved a bit more from the game (that Yoro push has to be called…), but on the balance of play a draw was the right outcome. United will now be looking ahead to their visit to Turf Moor as their final chance to get a win on the board before the first international break. I still believe United will have a better campaign than they did last season, but that belief is wavering and a few more performances like this and it will be panic stations at Old Trafford. I’m not sure there’s anyone left behind the scenes for Ratcliff to make redundant to distract from the woeful on-field performances.

Score: Newcastle 2 - 3 Liverpool

If you wanted chaos, Anfield served it up steaming. Newcastle were brilliant in bursts, terrible in others, and ultimately left with nothing but bruised egos and tired legs. Isak decided he was going to bully Van Dijk for an hour, scoring twice and looking like he could’ve scored twice more. But Liverpool, even when ropey, always find a way to keep the script alive.

Salah had one of those games where he looked annoyed at everyone and everything, which is usually terrible news for the opposition. He ended up with a brace, one from the spot, and still somehow seemed unsatisfied. The winner came late, of course, because this is Liverpool at home and the clock is more suggestion than fact. Darwin did Darwin things—half the time resembling a lost tourist, the other half looking unplayable—and eventually nodded in the equaliser that cracked the whole place open.

Newcastle will point to missed chances, dodgy defending, and maybe even a shout at VAR, but the truth is they let Liverpool hang around. And if you let Liverpool hang around at Anfield, you’re just asking for the inevitable.